Sins of My Mother

4 Steps to Moving Forward – A Female Perspective

terri — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 15:47:00 +0000

RELINQUISH CONTROL stop trying to do God’s job ( and stop trying to control people like pawns in a game).
EXPLORE YOU (most of us don’t even know what we like or dislike; what makes us tick because too often, our identity is just an extension of someone else’s) when you know you, you will realize that you owe you…fulfillment.
PURSUE BALANCE (balance is where wholeness lives)- “extremes” leave you extremely sad (driving in the middle lane makes getting off at either exit easier).
EMBRACE CHANGE (leave the familiar for the fabulous) (stagnant water stinks).

How Did Women Get To Be So Burdened?

terri — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:53:02 +0000

More women are working in the workplace than ever before (working just as hard as men and making 60 % of what they make); There are more female headed households than ever before: More women are taking care of parents- Some older women are raising grandchildren and great grandchildren…women are juggling raising children, family, career, the cultivation of social relationships, romance and many times, higher education goals…all things to all people

When all those pressures collide with our commitment to nurture, you have the perfect recipe for an eminent mental breakdown. Yes, stress (anxiety, pressure; trying to fix things you’re supposed to be relinquishing), toxic relationships (pursuing or remaining in relationships that are bad for us) and repetitive dysfunction (self destructive behaviors perpetuated from one relationship to the next or one generation to the next…instead of learning from mistakes, memorializing them (setting up shrines)) leave voids in our lives-gaps in our peace, a hiatus in our joy, but we can leave holes behind in exchange for wholeness.

Preparing For Mr. Right – Part 1

terri — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 07:08:52 +0000

I receive so many letters from women who are looking for someone with whom to share their lives. Some are eager, others are longing and some are just downright desperate. I feel for my single sisters and yearn for them to find “the one”. However, my yearning is often interrupted by my concern. I am concerned that my sisters are not adequately prepared to receive the blessing God has set aside for just them.

God has customized a mate just for you. Now, if He has taken the time to personalize the blessing, shouldn’t we take the time to prepare for it? You may be saying, “What is she talking about? I’m more than ready for my man.” But are you, really? I am amazed at how many women I encounter who do not even really know themselves; who think of “exploring” themselves as drudgery and yet expect a man to jump at the chance to get to know them. If you are not willing to become acquainted with yourself, what makes you think a man will want to become acquainted with you?

So, the first step of preparation is: Exploring Yourself. Find out what makes you tick. What do you like? What do you dislike? What are your favorite qualities about yourself? What are your strengths? What would you like to improve? What are your weaknesses? Why are you the way you are? What experiences have shaped you into the woman you are now? What kind of relationships have you had in the past? Were they meaningful? Purely sexual? If so, why? What did you learn from your past? For, if you haven’t learned anything, you’re destined to relive it. You are special. There is no one in the whole world exactly like you. You owe it to you, to know you.

You’ll be amazed at what you discover about yourself. Maybe, you’ve always wanted to be a lawyer, but your dreams got lost because you had to get a job right after school and provide for yourself. Pursue it now. Find out what you need to do to get yourself back in school. Maybe, you’ve always liked art, but just dismissed your interest as “silly”. Pursue it now. Sign up and take an art class. Explore you. You’re worth getting to know! Stop waiting for a man to complete you. Pursue wholeness now!

Once you have gotten to know yourself, accept yourself and love yourself, then, and only then, should you even consider sharing your life with someone else. You don’t want half a man (and if you do, you need counseling ASAP), so you shouldn’t want to give anybody half a woman. God cares enough to send you the very best, the least you could do is be your very best when he arrives.

Watch Out For Church Boys

terri — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:17:38 +0000

During a recent conversation with some friends, I realized the stigma “saved” men carry. My friends were discouraging someone else from dating a man she had met in church. Convinced he was like “all the others”, they told her to end it before it ever started. Many women have been hurt by men who were in the church. Only after the man proved to be dishonest or unfaithful, did these women realize that though the men were in church, church was not in them. This kind of past hurt has left many women skeptical and reluctant to date “saved” men. Lumping all the brothers in the pews into one category, women have decided they have a better chance of finding “Mr. Right” in the world. I understand the hurt these women feel. I understand their reluctance. I validate their pain. However, I cannot validate their choice. If you are a saved woman, you have surrendered your life to the authority of Jesus Christ. You are no more your own, but bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). You are in a wonderful relationship and every thing in your life should be centered around it. Dating is not excluded. If prayer and worship are a major part of your life, shouldn’t the person you choose to date share these practices? When you sign up for a dating service, one of the first things they ask you to do is disclose your “likes and dislikes, your hobbies, etc.. Why? Because they will match you up with someone who is compatible with you. If a secular dating service sees the significance in this, shouldn’t we? Now, if everything in your life centers around your relationship with Christ; if the very essence of who you are is centered around Christ, shouldn’t the person you date be compatible? For the bible warns us against spiritual incompatibility (2 Corinthians 6:14). Furthermore, a man who is accountable to God will have character and integrity. You will not have to sneak a look at his cell phone or second guess everything he says. His relationship with Christ will keep him honest because his first loyalties lie with Him. He knows that if he is dishonest with you, he is dishonest with God. There is no “oh, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” mentality because he is in relationship with God and God is everywhere and knows everything! When he’s not in your presence, he understands that he’s still in the presence of God. You may be thinking, “Well, Terri, if that’s the case why have so many women been hurt by “saved” men?” The answer is simple, women often do not place the same scrutiny on men in the church. They see them in church and just assume, “he is honest and faithful”. This is a big mistake. The bible tells us that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears (Matthew 7:17; Luke 12:33). In other words, you will know the person by their life. You must get to know a “saved” man the same way you get to know anyone else. You don’t just meet a person and call them “friend”, do you? You get to know the person first. You must examine a man’s quality. The last time you went out to lunch, did he lie to his boss over the phone and tell him he was in a meeting? Take a mental note. Does he treat you like a sister in Christ or a potential conquest? Are his lifestyle and goals consistent with biblical principles? What are his views regarding premarital sex? Take notes sisters and when the tree shows you its fruit, believe it. Don’t convince yourself it is an apple tree when you see oranges on the branches. There are good, saved men out there. Men who are looking to share their lives with strong, praying women who are going to help them meet the requirements of God. So, do not let your past experiences and your past hurts dictate your future. Just think, if God lumped all mankind into one category and based his present and future expectations of us on our past, we’d all be doomed. So, learn from past mistakes, don’t relive them; be a better discerner, guard your heart and let God lead you. You never know, you may find Mr. Right right on the pew next to you.

Black Women Must Know Who They Are

terri — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 07:16:41 +0000

I recently heard Bishop T.D. Jakes say, “I’ve never seen so many tired young people in my life.20.30, and can hardly get out of bed.” His statement is sad, but true, at least from my personal experience. I’ve met young men and women who are weary when they go to bed and exhausted when they wake up. I, myself, have gone through seasons of my life in which I was just mentally, emotionally and physically drained. While I believe deteriorating diets and sedentary lifestyles play a big part in this unusual wave of fatigue, I think the mental stress, drain and trauma of our day also plays a part. As co-founder of Living Word, I have had the privilege to counsel many women. Some of the things I have discovered in my role have shocked me. Since this is “Black History Month”, I want to share some of the things I’ve discovered counseling black women. Most of the black women in church have been sexually molested as children and/or young adults. A! nd as if that trauma isn’t devastating enough, many are still keeping the abuse a secret. Some of those who have mustered up the courage to no longer suffer in silence, have exchanged shame for bitterness when their mother, father or guardian dismissed or minimized their trauma. Most of the women have, at one time in their life, been abandoned by one parent, and in some cases, both parents. Sixty percent of marriages are ending, not in death as was promised, but in divorce court. Every year the number of black female headed households increases so numerous women are bearing the primary responsibility of raising their children. There are more women in the work place than ever before and many are frustrated because they are being paid 60% of what their male counterparts are being paid and for black women, that percentage can be even lower. Just reading all of this is draining so imagine living it. This is why there are so many exhausted young people. Every day, black women are battling for their sanity and fighting for their survival. They wake up tired thinking about the eminent battle that lay ahead as the day unfolds and they go to bed weary from fighting all day. Fighting haunting memories, parasitic family members, racism (both subtle and blatant), unappreciative supervisors; fighting to hold on to allusive dreams, all while preparing a next generation of people. Are these women doomed? Are they hopeless? I answer these questions with an unequivocal, unwavering, “NO!” How can I be so certain? Because we have a history. America has labeled it “Black History”, I simply call it “Hope” because to understand this history, one can remain nothing but hopeful. We come from a lineage of strong, African women. Women who were ripped from their families in Africa, laid in a ship, one on top of the other, like mere cargo and forced to endure long spans of time rocking on the waves.all the while, the stench of rotting flesh and feces hovering in th! e air. These women were brought to a country and introduced to a language with which they were unfamiliar. They were forced to stand on platforms where they would be groped and inspected like cattle. They were sold to plantations where they were raped at whim, worked to complete exhaustion and many times, death. Their children were taken from their arms, stripped from the warmth of their love and sold to far away places- often, never to be seen again. Yet, enduring shame, degradation, suffering and the depravity of others, these women did not surrender to their circumstances. Instead, they drew strength from them and became leaders, writers (Phyllis Wheatley), revolutionaries for freedom (Harriet Tubman), orators (Sojourner Truth), educators and eventually, business owners (Madame C.J. Walker). These women evolved and carried a nation on their shoulders. During the era of Jim Crow, they spoke life into their men when the pressures of life caused them to contemplate givin! g up. They kept countries prospering from their labor, families from falling apart and a culture from dying. These women are our ancestors. They came before us and with their blood, sweat and tears, paved a better road for us to tread. They are not dead. For, they live on in us. They have passed the torch to us and each time I read a history book, I can hear them whispering, “Lift the torch, carry it high and carry it long, until your daughters are equipped and empowered to receive it”. I can hear them whisper, “I know you’re tired. I know life is difficult sometimes, but faint not!” While it is true that we must not live in the past, we must reflect back sometimes to move forward. In my reflections, I have grasped a hope that cannot be squelched. I want every black woman who has been abused, abandoned, underappreciated, overlooked, rejected, traumatized.broken, to know from whose loins they have come. I want them to know that we are not doomed and we are not hopeless, we! are strong; we are jewels in the crown of our culture. And as such, we can overcome anything. As long as there is life in our bodies, there will always be hope. Reflect back on the grace and fortitude that we have inherited. Look to our lineage and you will find the vitality to prepare a legacy.

Baggage

terri — Sun, 01 Jan 2006 07:15:17 +0000

We’ve all made it through another year and lived to see a new one! Now, let’s not take the gift of time for granted by dragging all of the baggage from 2005 into 2006. Let’s take advantage of a new beginning! Let’s start fresh. For it is no coincidence or luck of the draw that you survived to see this year. God has a plan and it includes you! Some of us are carrying around so much guilt from things we did, or didn’t do, last year that we are already beginning to set ourselves up for failure in this new year. Repent and move on! Do you see the magnificent opportunity God has placed before you? If you would just humble yourself and seek His forgiveness, you can have a “Do-over”. Do you remember “Do-Overs”? When I was a child, I enjoyed playing kick ball with the neighborhood children. Sometimes, I’d lose my balance as I tried to kick the ball, the ball would start slowly rolling and I’d yell, “Do-Over”. If no one protested my call, I’d get to stay at home plate and be given a chance to kick again. A “Do-Over” was the kids’ way of saying, “We weren’t prepared and as a result, we messed up so give us another chance please”. Just because you lived to see 2006, you automatically get a “Do-Over”. By allowing you to live to see this new year in spite of the adversities, challenges, trials, persecutions, disappointments and losses of 2005, God is giving you a “Do-Over”. Do you want to know the best part? You didn’t even have to ask for it. He yelled, “Do-Over” for you! So, what are you going to do with this gift? Every time I was given a “Do-Over” in kick ball, I would get my balance and make sure I was prepared to kick the ball hard and steady. After all, I didn’t want to squander this grace given to me. I wanted to make this one count. God gave all of us “Do-Over”, so let’s get our balance- let’s banish all “extremes” from our lives and pursue balance because anything in excess is a bad thing. Let’s get prepared by reflecting over the mistakes we made last year, examining them carefully so that we will not repeat them. Some people don’t want to go back over their mistakes. They’d rather pretend they didn’t have any. That dysfunction is nothing more than pride and pride always comes before a fall. Show me a person like that and I will show you a person who is stagnant. For a mistake from which we learn is called our teaching aid but a mistake from which we do not learn is called our future. After careful examination; after you’ve gotten the lesson, don’t dwell on the mistake. Those who aren’t too proud to go over their mistakes sometimes have difficulty letting go of them. Learn from your past but don’t be defeated by it. Remember, repent and leave it behind. For then, and only then, will you be prepared to make this one count.to make the most of the year that lies ahead. Walking into this year should be like unwrapping a present, it should be done with joy, gratitude and great anticipation. Our hearts should leap when thinking of the future possibilities. Leave the familiar behind for the fabulous that lies ahead. If any one of you discovered you just won a multi-million dollar home and you had the option of bringing all of the stuff you currently have or having it fully furnished with new luxurious furnishings, I’m sure you’d opt for the latter. Sure, there may be a few pieces you’d bring with you like the rocking chair Grandma gave you or the trunk that’s been in your family for years, but for the most part you’d walk away from what you have and never look back. Well, now you have the opportunity to furnish your year; your future, with new, luxurious things. So, walk away from last year and never look back! Sure, bring the wise advice you received from Grandma, bring the encouraging words you received from your dear friend and bring the lessons you’ve internalized. There’s always room for those things, but leave the rest. For this is a year we’ve never seen before and God is waiting to do things in our lives that He’s never done before.as long as we take advantage of this “Do-Over”.